a twisted tale.
I can’t do this again. It will end badly. I repeated to myself like some twisted, self-fulfilling prophecy.
The four short steps between the stove and the kitchen sink began to feel like the greatest distance ever traveled, but I hoped – as I always did – that my pacing would absorb the thoughts that churned inside of me and make this somehow easier.
Less daunting.
My dusty yoga videos said that I should use deep, purposeful breathing to calm my nerves and steady my heart.
Breathing, schmeathing. I’m a pacer. I like to pace.
It seems more action-oriented somehow. Like I’m getting somewhere. Sure, I’m not actually going anywhere but I’m moving forward. Or back and forth. Or sometimes in a circle.
But still, I’m moving.
I can’t sit still and just BREATHE. That’s not for me. And so here I was, once again, pacing.
Pausing only briefly to smooth a wandering corner of the kitchen rug or wipe a rogue water droplet from the edge of the sink.
How could I have put myself in this situation again?
The dubious pattern was always the same: make a plan; get excited about it; tell my family; mark the day on our calendar; arrive at go-time; succumb to my anxieties; repeat.*
*Disclaimer: alright, I’ll admit it. There were times that I made my 5-year-old daughter do it instead of me. I would turn it into a game for her to play, while telling my inner, mocking voice to SHUT THE HELL UP.
“Game” or no game, I felt too guilty to pull her into this again. It frightened her too, and why wouldn’t it?
It was hardly for the faint of heart. In fact, there really should be a disclaimer about it not being safe for small children or the elderly.
Or, scaredy-cat mothers with good intentions for that matter.
Not this time.
No.
I was not going to let this thing get the best of me. I hiked up my Big Girl panties and steadied myself. It will be over before it even starts, I reminded myself.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
THWOP! POP!
The sound bounced off the counter and echoed through the kitchen.
And my heart exploded as the cardboard can of buttery crescent rolls twisted open.
Have you been spying on me, Melisa? Because I involuntarily shriek like a little girl when I open one of those things. My heart jumps, I sweat, and then I feel exhausted from the adrenaline rush. Oh and sometimes I beg my children to do it for me (where is my pride?). There must be a better way! Loved this post; at first I thought you were going into labor!
Ha ha! TOTALLY. Don’t mind the cameras in your kitchen, they are for research purposes only. What? I mean, never mind.
Those things Are freaking scary!! Omg I hate them. I hate the toaster too. Without a doubt I will jump out of my skin if that frigin thing goes off while I’m watching.
Great post!
ME TOO! From now on I am going to stay out of the kitchen and let my hub do all the cooking. Oh wait, that’s what I already do….
I always jump at that POP too.
Eek! Kinda sweatin’ just thinking about it again.
OMG! I hate those things. Hate them. They have one (and only one) plus point though: They inspired me to finally make biscuits and rolls from scratch. It’s surprisingly easy to do. And at no point during the roll making process am I freaked out that there will be a loud bang followed rapidly by a piece of carboard lodging itself in my eyeball.
Fun post!
Thanks! Alright, you over-achiever: send me your damn recipe and I’ll give it a try. Might even blog about it!
Too funny! I am laughing here…
I kind of love watching the dough expand and unfurl as it hits the air. I always wonder if it liked being crammed into that tube…
I agree! No one puts my buns in a corner. Wait. That was seriously so much better in my head.
This is hilarious. I couldn’t guess what it was. Awesome intro and pacing. I love the playfulness!
Thanks, girl! I seriously get a racy heart just thinking of those damn rolls, for realsies. (rollsies)
This is such an engaging post!
I was guessing it was a roach or something.
Well played
Ha! Thank you so much! Roaches, yeah, they were another time, another place………
My mind was all over the place with that one. Did she burn herself? Did she get bleach in her eye? Nope, much worse. That’s why my husband is the cook.
Great post.
Oh that tube has got to be the worst invention ever!
Hahaha!
You get major points for creativity, I did not see what was coming at all. You did a great job yet again, Melisa!
NOBODY in our family can handle that sound. We ALL hate it so much. We fight against having to hear it like a bunch of chickens. I was on tenterhooks listening for it to come out of the computer.
That sound makes me jump, too! I love how you built up to that moment. I wasn’t expecting it to be what it was, but I laughed when it was revealed.
Very suspenseful!!! I thought this was about something really big, and I love how it is about a can of crescent rolls. They don’t scare me, but they are definitely strange. You had me on the edge of my seat!
I freakin’ love the build-up to the finale. Never would I have guessed it was a tube of crescent rolls. Loved it. Ellen
Pacing makes me more nervous but I get you here. Opening cresent rolls, anticipating that “pop”, is freaky. Glad to know is not just me!
I feel the same way about champagne (or, more accurately, prosecco or sekt) bottles. I always hold it very far away and have a towel wrapped over it before I can handle even trying to uncork it.
Funny take!
OMG! You had me on the edge of my seat the entire time! I’m grateful I didn’t read/see a spoiler first! A fabulous build-up and I loved the pacing. So funny! I get freaky watching the toaster or any of those jack-in-the-box thingies – can’t do it. Great post!
Hahaha, FANTASTIC! It always scares me, too. This was an awesome post. You had me on the edge of my seat expecting something terrible the entire time. Too funny!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
I was on the edge of my seat!! Those things should be regulated, as far as I’m concerned. Great title, great photo.
Thanks, girl! Loved your post too. Oh crap, better head over to Pinterest before day’s end.
This was so well written and full of suspense! Those tubes make me more mad than afraid. Sometimes I have to bang them about 20 times before they open. Haven’t done it lately, thankfully.
Don’t you wonder why they haven’t changed the design? They were like that in the 60s! The cinnamon rolls too!
Thank you, Stacie!! I appreciate you stopping by! I know, right? Come on, Pillsbury. Keep up with technology!
You really got me on that one!! Well done!
Ha ha! My first “suspense” piece!
Haha! Ok, so I promise I did not read this before I compared my belly fat to a Pillsbury tube of dough.
I hate opening those stupid things. With all the market research companies do, how can they think we all want to have dough shoot at us?
Ha ha! Hey! That sounds like MY tummy you’re talkin’ ’bout! I got me some work to do in the belly fat department…
I have never bought one of those before. Scary you say?
Too funny! Great set up, I had no clue!
I did not expect that! But I too always approach with caution!
Ha ha – thank you! I appreciate you stopping by!
Bravo, bravo!!! Still laughing, all crinkly-eyed and slightly watery over here. Seriously, girl. Awesome. #fistbump
Ha – thanks, Peach! My very first attempt at “suspense” ha ha.
Ha! My son loves opening those cans, but sometimes I just can’t pass up the pleasure of that thwap and release.
Oh how I wish I could find pleasure in the experience!! My heart literally races every time I think about it, including now.
Were the crescent rolls for the apple dessert recipe I shared? If so…how did it come out? Have a great VTW!